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it's been a long while since i've posted. but im thinking im going to try and post regularly now, not just when i need to vent. so the happiest day of my life happened a little over a month ago. :] i married my best friend, and everything was great. but recently we ran into some financial shit because he doesn't have health or dental insurance. and guess what? he had a crazy toothache...i've never never seen him cry from pain, until this night a couple weeks ago. i dragged the poor man to the ER, only for them to give him a few percs for he pain. oh well....so i take him to the dentist the next day and he has the tooth pulled. everything is fine since then. well...dental bill: $300. we're expecting the ER bill to be way more than that...but it wasn't.....supposedly. His grandmother called to make sure the $181 bill we got in the mail would be the only one coming.....and they assured us that there would be no more coming. just the $181....want to take a guess at what happened a couple days ago? You're right....we got another bill for $200. I was so frustrated. So, I went to work after this. There was a car show going on a block away, I work at Wendys, and so it was extremely busy all day and we were short handed and I was so stressed. Finally, my shift was up but I felt bad for everyone so I stuck around an extra hour to help get them caught up with all the extra stuff that didn't get done.... So I left work eventually and started heading home. I was stressed out. A lot. Work was crazy, and I'm trying to figure out how Matt and I are possibly going to pay for everything. Next thing i know.....my airbags are deployed and I've rear ended the person in front of me. Holy fuck, I've never been in an accident before. Thank God everyone is fine. I didnt' even have the slightest neck pain....crazy huh? :] But my car is fucked. Very much so. Thank God I have full coverage. However, only problem is that I have a $500 deductible, and I don't know where I'm goign to come up with that money to fix my car....if it can be fixed. I'm hoping they total my car.... Talked to the insurance company this morning, everythign will be okay. Husband is going to call around and see who does free estimates in town and he'll take it in and then I'll find out what's going on with my car. This sucks. I loved my car. It was simple, cute, and very very reliable. And great on gas. :[ oh well. that's what i get for worrying about evreything except for driving. I guarantee it's not happening ever ever ever again.
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<lj-cut text="edited for mild language :]"> dear juvie officials, fuck you. you dumb mother fuckers. stop me from seeing my fucking best frien? he needs me. go fuck yourselves and go to hell. i was with his god damn parents, they gave me permission why cant you? fucking search me. i have a clean record, im a good student, i play sports, ive stayed out of trouble with the law....and yet you fucking deny me to visit him? he made some mistakes, sure. but he's not a bad kid! and then i give his mom my picture to give to him to keep and you take it away from him????!!! thats fucking his. its not like i could sneak anythign on the damn picture. other than on the back i wrote a note to him. but thats it. you god damn mother fuckers. you piss me off. go to hell. much loathing,
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why the hell would you do something so stupid as that???!!! i dont understand. you were trying to win me back, you were waiting for me. and you did something stupid. so fucking stupid. why the hell? why would you steal your moms prescription drugs and then text david and ask him if he wants to buy some? and he stupidly texted you back saying that he could sell them for you. ugh. i trust david out of all of your friends but that has to be one of the most stupidest decisions that he has made in a long long long long long time. which is saying something because all of your friends have done some horribly stupid things. you know what. i wish i could be there for you right now. but im really really really glad that you and i arent dating anymore. because i'd be dragged into this mess. and its a world that i dont want to be apart of. and when i have kids...i definitely dont want to be apart of it. you've messed up your life. and i feel bad. i want to save you. i wish i could. and i feel the only way i could save you is to be goign out with you. maybe i coudl provide some stability in your life. but you know what? i wont do that. i wont leave matt, because for once I have freaking stability with matt. and my life if so much easier and better. maybe its just because we just started dating, but i think i've found what i need and what i want. please. dont make me lose that.
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i dont know why. all i want to do is sit down and break down and cry. there's no one to talk to. everyone's at school. i dont like crying in front of matt cause he cries too. i dont know why. something must be wrong with me.
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1 . Scrubs. i will totally confess to this one. its probably my favorite show of all-time. My best friend and i always sing along to "guy love" and have probably watched that episode ("My Musical") about ten times. (I sing Turk's part and she sings JD's) We have had many a Scrubs marathon and I look forward to every Thursday night at 9:30 pm. for my Scrubs fix. Its an obsession and I"ve seen every episode. :] LOVE.2. Desperate Housewives. okay. you caught me. im addicted. i havent started watching this season cause I'm always working. but, hey, i used to never miss an episode. i can guarantee you that I will be watching it as soon as the season comes out on DVD. :D 3. I Love Lucy 4. THE RED GREEN SHOW <333 5. Spongebob Squarepants / The Fairly Odd Parents
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wow. so im only beginning to understand how amazing my life really is. but, i do sometimes wish i could run away and get out. i've been thinking a lot about how collegei s going to work out, and ive got a perfect plan that will allow me and matt to stay together should we decide we want to continue dating :D and we're both seriously considering this plan. He'll go to Bellingham Technical Institute and I'll go to Western Washington University. They are about 10 minutes from each other and it would work out perfectly. I think I really want to try and make this work.....i know. i know. its so soon to be thinking about that...but this one might actually work out....
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i wish russell would leave me alone. i dont have the strength to deal with him. i dont have the heart to deal with him. i want to love him so bad, and i really really really honestly do but i just dont have the strength to tell him everything i want to tell him. Like I would love to tell him that if he really only wants for me to be happy, then back off. because i AM happy. matt gives me so much strength and he makes me feel so good about myself. he makes me feel the way i should. and i mean, i'd hate to lose what i had with russell. but if it means gaining something better with matt...idk. i dont know what i want. i just wnat to take things one step at a time, and russell asks well why cant i just do that with him, well...because im too sure with russell. idk. like, when im with russell what i would want out of that relationship would be marriage .and you know...im seventeen. like my friend keeps telling me over and over and over again...i have my whole life ahead of me. a whole life to meet new people. and idk. i think being with matt is like my start over. russell lied to me, and i got hurt. really really hurt. and he said that he's changed, but i dont know how muc hto believe him. he's gained some trust back but i just dont think that i can go there with him again. im too happy right now. you know. russell told me "just tell me what i need to do to make you happy. teach me how you want to be treated." my answer was so sad. but so true. "russell, i tried. i told you what i needed. but apparently i wasnt what you wanted. apparently somehow pot came over me." maybe i shouldnt have said what i said. idk. im horrible at expressing things. its so much easier to just write it out and take time to think. but no. in a conversation...there's never enough time. never. i cant talk about this stuff in person to people cause it just hurts too much and i cant take the whole looking into their eyes. Im sitting here thinking, and im pondering on my earlier thought about how matt's my chance to start over and everything. and how im so sure when im with russell in that relationship. I think i might be a little bit scared of commitment. Like, on the one hand im not, because its something that i thrive off of. its something that i need. i cant take that whole friends with benefits bullshit. But, i think the whole commiting the rest of my life...i think that scares me. I think that I need a relaitonship where i think that i can just live it day to day. and for some reason, thats my relationship with matt. and not with russell. idk. im just trying to unjumble my thoughts. that call russsell gave me last night...horrible. i missed my freaking scrubs show for it and i couldnt breathe. i want to cry so bad right now...but i cant...im sitting in word class. lol. sucks huh? bleh. class is over.
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well. its definitely been a few days since i've written. meh. not that much has happened. a whole lot of work. not a lot of hanging out. oh wait. i had a riding lesson yesterday :] riding horses always makes me feel so good. i love the feel of a big powerful animal beneath you. its breathtaking. i worked mostly on the flat, but the small jumps i did do were amazing. we worked a lot on rhythm. i feel so amazing when i ride. there's nothing that can stop my happiness. and even though the jumps were just little crossrails this time. wow. the horse i take lessons on is so huge. seventeen hands. dede might move to georgia in a year or two. :[ in which case ill go out and take lessons from a lady in port townsend. which is like an hour away. our horse business out here sucks. there's no good hunt seat instructors. a lot of hella good western instructors though. ill miss dede so much. she's like...almost my mentor sort of. like. idk. im starting to talk to her about things. she always has somethign to say. she knows sooo much about horses that its amazing. she's an awesome. awesome. awesome. instructor. ill definitely miss her. and this is going to sound really selfish, but i really really want her to stay here. i know georgia would be such a better opportunity for her. but god. i hope dede doesnt leave yet :[ hmm. nothing else to write about. i have an hour til the new scrubs episode! ugh. lol. can't wait that long.
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wow. life just got complicated...well. i think it did. i dont actually know. i slept with matt. does that matter? yeah, i love him. i wanted to wait longer..i just...i didnt. i dont know. im so attached to matt. if he leaves me...im gonna be hurt. i wont have anywhere to turn. im a little scared of getting that close. i mean, its too late im already there....but now that im here, its scary. i want so much to trust him. i think i do trust him. which is huge. you'd think after everything i went through with russell i wouldnt trust. but its the opposite. i actually turst him. there's soemthing different there. and i pray to god it really is. i love matt. i hope we actually go somewhere. i dotn know.
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honestly. i wonder if things are going to work out being friends with russell. he still loves me so much. his friends say its obsessive. and you know...i love him too. in that way. i still am in love with him. just, i cant go there. i cant let myself go there. i have matt. yes, i love matt. just not the way i love russell. im sure that will grow and change but i dont know if im ready to let go of russell yet. or if i want to. im so scared of losing russell, and russell is still holding on so tight to me. you should see him when we hug goodbye. theres nothing he want more than to hold on forever. i feel bad. i know, i know. i know its his fault. but. i still cant help but feel bad. and its not pity that i feel bad, its the fact that i stilll love him just as much. and then he asks me why i cant just leave matt.....its not that easy. i cant leave matt either. and yet i know everyday matt and i stay together i get more attached. i dont know. i wish life were simple.
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sometimes i still miss him. i love him with almost all my heart. but not quite. because matt has a huge chunk of it now. i still miss him so. so. so. much. he will alway have a part of me. today was one of those, i miss him so much it hurts kind of things. i even texted david to tell russ to call me cause i missed him. and i dont know. no one could ever understand how much that boy means to me. how much i still need him. no matter how much pain he puts me through. god knows him and i have been through a lot. i wish it didnt have to end like this. i wish so much for things to be different. i love him. i miss him.
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calm
pissed off
distressed
depressed
crazy
confused
contemplative